interloper:weblog

Kerb wobble

30 October 2004

So there I was in the foyer of a large grammar school. The entrance door had locked behind me and the door leading into the school proper was similarly secure. In the 10 feet between the two doors was a stack of stainless steel lockers and a teacher giving a cello lesson to an embarrassed ten-year old girl. I smiled sweetly and suddenly found great interest in the patterned wallpaper as the girl scraped out her scales. Obviously space was a little tight this morning. Eventually the man I had come to see rescued me and I no longer had to endure the sweet sounds of cello murder. No. I had the far more impressive task of examining a wobbly kerbstone that had caused £500-worth of damage to the underside of a car.

Whoosh, flash, switch off

16 October 2004

There's this thing that television production companies do in their documentaries. I call it the 'whoosh-flash'. It tends to occur when the director wants to change scenes. It's just so 20th century to just cut from one scene to another, the same effect you get when you just look from one object to another with your own eyes. No, that's just too easy. I mean, you're directing a modern documentary. You've got all these qualifications from art and design colleges. You've got to jazz it up a bit, just show-off a bit, y'know. So what you do between cuts is have someone stick a whoosh sound on the soundtrack and then do a whiteout - just half a second will do. Hey Presto! Instead of a boring cut you have a 'whoosh-flash' cut!

There is a slight problem with this, and I may be being a little picky, but for the viewer the whoosh-flash pretty soon starts to pale. It becomes irritating because it's unnecessary, it adds nothing to the imparting of knowledge and it simply detracts from the programme itself. It looks like a first year design student got hold of the tapes and decided to take the piss.

One of the big culprits is the once renowned now derided Horizon, made by the BBC. It's become infected by the whoosh-flash, unnecessary dramatisations, inappropriate mood music and over-dramatic commentary.

Just go and look at The World At War for the classic documentary and see why that works and the modern 21st century pap doesn't. Horizon and its ilk treat the viewer as a passive moron who needs a constant moving canvas and the occasional jolt for stimulation. The World at War treated the viewer with respect, with an attention span longer than two minutes.

When Newsgroups Attack

11 October 2004

There has recently been an interesting and amusing discussion on the uk.media.tv.misc newsgroup. I couldn't resist taking the best parts of it and publishing them here. The discussion is called "Words the media uses that no-one else does" and is a refreshing romp through the sort of language you only see in tabloid newspapers and on TV news. So, with due deference to those I've quoted, let's take it in the order the messages were posted.

Shaun wrote:

I've noticed a number of words that crop up in the media esp newspapers that no-one else actually uses. For example, 'crimper', 'pooch' and 'moggy'. The other day The Daily Star reported that 1 in 4 under 16's 'romp'. A female singer is called a 'songtress' etc.

John Dean wrote:

People don't criticise things, they slam them. There is no travel disruption, only travel chaos.

Mick wrote:

People don`t ask, they demand.

Nick Cooper wrote:

No, unions "demand," employers "request."

osc wrote:

Devastat(ed)(ing)(ion) | Destruction | Calamitous | Outpouring | Grieving

Thanatos wrote:

People on TV always seem to be described as "entertainers". Ironically, of lot of the people they're talking about aren't in the least bit entertaining, IMO.

Shaun wrote:

Whole roads can be "Sealed Off" by a bit of tape across them.

Richard Brooks wrote:

Critically acclaimed. Must-see.

Gateway wrote:

'Star' used to describe anyone remotely involved in football, acting, music. However good or bad they are.

cheddox-ie wrote:

People never win prizes, they "scoop" them.

JamesUK wrote:

Towns and cities are always 'rocked' by explosions.

Badabing wrote:

People don't criticise, they 'slam', apparently.

Ben wrote:

I learned civil service speak, including the three most important phrases; in due course, at the appropriate juncture, in the fullness of time.

Nick Cooper wrote:

The most overused sub-set of words in the English language. People are no longer "disappointed," "upset" or "unhappy" at the slightest inconvenience to their lives, they are "devastated."

Marcus Holden wrote:

Roads get millions invested in them. Other forms of transport are propped up with subsidies.

Gordon Davie wrote:

People involved in accidents are "fighting for their lives". If they don't survive, their family will be "comforted by relatives".

And one of my own: people who die of cancer have always lost their fight against it.

Go East

11 October 2004

One of the country's biggest insurance firms has announced plans to transfer more than 1,100 jobs to India over the next few years, sparking fears of a "crisis" in the UK. Royal & SunAlliance said it will save over £10 million a year by switching call centre and customer service work to Bangalore. Chief executive Duncan Boyle said: "This move is part of R&SA's existing UK business transformation programme and is expected to deliver annual cost savings in excess of £10 million. We are committed to providing our customers with value for money products and excellent service." [Insurance Jobs Head For India]

It's not the loss of jobs that draws my attention to this story but the use of language. The term 'business transformation programme' is typical of the vacuous, patronising nonsense we get from management and politicians. 'We are committed to providing our customers with value for money and excellent service'. Oh, and the shareholders ofcourse.

So what does 'business transformation programme' mean? Perhaps, we are changing the company. And what about 'we are committed to providing...'? Perhaps, we want you to think we give a competitive service.

R&SA - just another cost cutting exercise. Can't complain, they're just following the competition. But why dress it up in pompous language? This will only stop when they outsource the directors' jobs.

Kicking the cat

10 October 2004

I think I might get myself a cat. Not because I want a pet or something to cuddle but so I can come home and kick it when I have a bad day. That's what I would have done last week after some bruising days at work. We have a part-time manager who insists on altering our reports even if he just adds a comma. Our system for actually getting these reports out of the door takes up to 3 weeks. Three weeks! First we dictate the report, it gets typed in draft, it waits for the part-time manager to approve and amend it, then it goes for re-typing and then it goes out. The typists have a high absenteeism rate and their turnover is 90% a year.

At least this week saw the release of TextMate for Mac OSX so I had something to play with when I felt miserable. Despite the many detractors (see below) I like TextMate and find it very easy to use. There are some howlers, though. Specifically, the lack of a Preference menu and no Print facility. A lot of tweaks are needed to make this competitive with programs like SubEthaEdit but I get the feeling that long term it's going to be a good one. So I registered it and became licence holder number 101, so at least 100 other people thought the same as me. And it hasn't crashed - so the cat's safe for a little while longer.